Friday Fictioneers – Broken Promises

It’s Friday Fictioneers Time! Thank you Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for another outstanding Flash Fiction Get Together. Check out her link for more short-short stories!

THE CHALLENGE:

Write a one hundred word story that has a beginning, middle and end using the photo below, copyright Ted Strutz   Now here’s mine : 100 words.

Copyright-Ted Strutz

Promises Broken

 What happened? A moment ago they leaned toward each other all candlelight and expectations.

I imagined dessert, a ring snuggled into whipped cream, and him swooping his chair aside blocking the servers, dipping onto one knee. We are all watching ready to raise our glasses in celebration. We want their future to unfold before us, to remember our own and compare or savor it later with bubbles all around. We want that romance, that promise, that undying love.

She stands, dumps her plate of spaghetti over his head and slumps in her chair. Oh, we’ve all been cheated.

 

Thanks for stopping by!

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16 Responses to Friday Fictioneers – Broken Promises

  1. petrujviljoen says:

    If it’s okay to say so, I think a new paragraph could’ve started at: ”We are all watching, ready to raise our glasses …”

  2. That’s using her noodle!

  3. I like the story, all those people waiting for romance, the jarring reality of something else. But I found the tense change jarring, especially as it came in the middle of the paragraph when you went from “I imagined” to “We are all watching.” Is there a reason you changed there?

    It seems that if you want to switch from past to present, the time to do it is the last paragraph. That would make the first two a retelling of what already happened and the third, the current time reality. Or you could just put all of it in the past. And I think could use a comma here: “We are all watching, ready to raise our glasses…”, as it seems a pause is natural.

    janet

  4. Sandra says:

    And it was all looking so promising. Nicely done.

  5. Kwadwo says:

    I saw it coming. Don’t ask me how, but I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

  6. pamtanzey says:

    That’s a great idea. Thanks so much for stopping by to read it and comment!

  7. pamtanzey says:

    Thanks Janet, I’m glad you liked the story. I believe the reason for the tenses problem is that I was falling asleep and too eager to publish instead of sleeping on it and edit again the next day until I got it right. I appreciate your comments especially about the use of commas I fight with Word a lot over that. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. pamtanzey says:

    Yep, sometimes the just don’t. Thanks for stopping by!

  9. pamtanzey says:

    Thank you Sandra. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.

  10. I totally understand, Pam. I’m just glad not to have been annoying. 🙂

    janet

  11. pamtanzey says:

    Not at all Janet. This has been good for me. I’ve been writing for a long time and haven’t really let them go out in public, so this has been helpful, making me brave!

  12. We’re generally a pretty friendly, helpful group. Glad you’re getting out more these days! 🙂

    janet

  13. Dear Pam,
    I’m surprised that she dumped the noodles on his head and then slumped down in the chair. I figured she’d walk out on him. Loved the disappointed crowd. Unique POV.
    Shalom;
    Rochelle

  14. ouuu, cruel little tease you are this week. hahahaaa! loved it!

  15. elappleby says:

    I like the way this was from the point of view of the people watching, expecting something. It makes it into something different. Really enjoyed this tiny tale 🙂

  16. I think the crowd probably would remember that spagetti better in the long run

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